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Yellow Pages: No ____ Found in ____

I don't have a link for this one because this is an internet fad whose origins are quite obvious. Some guy looking through the Yellow Pages website realizes that he can make the website say funny things.
*No Women found in My Future
*No Pizza found in the Fridge
*No Poop found in my butt

Etc, etc, etc.

So, he takes a screenshot and posts it to a forum... eventually everybody smirks at it and they re-post it to other forums as if they were the first ones to think of it. To date, 18,492 people have thought of this idea in one form or another.

This fad was not too funny or clever to begin with, so it REALLY isn't funny now.

Come on guys! Go back to making your computer read dirty words with it's text-to-speech function. Just keep the volume down.

Jeff and Jim's Pizza

Jeff and Jim seem to make a darn good pizza, but not so much a darn good website.

Jeff and Jim made the classic mistake of throwing a website together using cheap website software thinking that was their only choice.

Awful background that I can only imagine is supposed to be fire, but looks more like the battered hood of a red '76 Dodge Dart after crashing through the annual rotary belt sander conference. Repetitive images as backgrounds are no good.

Oh, and I know you are proud of your awards, but they are ugly. Un-ugly them or get them off the page.

There is no salvaging this site. It's over. So long. Thanks for all the fish.

In the off chance that Jeff or Jim read this, I am going to be helpful here. I know you are a small business and, believe me, I know that small businesses don't have a whole lot of resources for creating a website, but this is inexcusable. Let's look at what the other student's have made.

Clean, contemporary, and wont make your customers afraid of your company being a front for a child abduction ring.

"Oh, Right! MY tiny little pizza joint can have a website like THAT! PSSSSHHH! Riiiight!" I can almost hear the owners say. Open up the cash drawer, and take out a hundred bucks. Pay 58 bucks for this template and spend the rest on an HTML book. Don't have time to learn HTML? Then pay the 17-year-old geek next door a hundred bucks to modify and upload it for you. It will take him a couple of hours and you will have a website you can be proud of. Hundred too steep for you? Then google some free templates. There's lots of them.

Generating original HTML should be done by three types of people ONLY:
1. Experienced web designers
2. Students
3. People making joke pages

If you don't fall into at least one of these categories, then you should stick to lapping up the leavings of actual website designers.

Sorry Jeff and Jim's Pizza Website... I hate you.

Carnegie Mellon University Libraries Web Games

ACTION Librarian

Not since the library scene in Tomb Raider have books played such an action packed role in a video game. The fine people at the Carnegie Mellon University Library commissioned a game designer (Probably a student) to create two games to make the library system see more 'Fun'.

Luckily enough, this resulted in two games. Within Range and I'll Get It!

Within Range:
Thrill! as YOU, a heroic librarian assistant, put away an ENTIRE stack of books in the CORRECT ORDER on the shelf! It's like grand theft auto, except instead of shooting people in the head, you are filing and organizing. With each correct answer you get an enthusiastic "Yes!" and with each incorrect answer, you get a gameshow-style buzzer and a condescending "Lame".


I'll Get It!:
Not just a phrase you have to shout when you are expecting a phone call! I'll Get It is a game where YOU, a heroic research assistant, struggle to obey the demands of a super-impatient group of students who give you no clue as to what they want and patronize you when you get it wrong. Just like a real library, there are no penalties for delivering incorrect materials or even completely ignoring the public until they get irate and just leave.

This game not only a great way to waste seven minutes of your life, but when those seven minutes are up, you are officially a certified librarian. A well rounded resume for a librarian would include "Played 'I'll Get It' for fifteen minutes without ending my own life".

Adult Swim's Worst Game Ever held my attention longer.

CMU Library Online Games, I hate you.

Amos O. Olagunju

Prof. Olagunju: Teacher of Computer Networks and Application.

Listen up class! Settle! Eyes up here people!
Today we will be discussing website design and programming. As you can see, from my website, I know all the HTMLs.

Last week we discussed awful color schemes and publishing enormous photos and scaling them down. This week, we will be talking about content.

The first thing you should know about website content is... RICKY! Pay Attention! ... is that you should always leave them guessing. What do I mean by this?

Anybody?

Yes, you in the back!

--

No, I don't mean coming up with new and original content every day. That would be impossible. See me after class. I mean you have to change your standards up on every page and never hint at WHAT they're clickin'!

For example. On my website, you will see the navigation bar above the scrolling, dancing panda. Okay, the first link says "Scientific Disk. Prog"... Now click on it and BAM! Yellow background. Then I have the CNA169 link and you're all like 'WTF?' cuz you have no idea what that is until you CLICK ON IT! See people?

Then I have the "911 Makes Us to?" link. What is that? Who knows. So you click on it and BAM! Powerpoint document!

Okay! Now everybody scroll up to the links just under my picture, which should be finished loading by now. You will see the "My Faith" link. Go ahead and click on that. Everybody see it? Raise your hand if you see it.

1... 2... 3... only about half of you? That's because you are not using Internet Explorer. I made that a Microsoft file so only IE can open it. This is a good idea because Firefox users are all hackers. It's a security tool to keep the hackers out.

Yes? Question in the back?

--
Yes, everybody else uses Internet Explorer

--

Yes they do.

--

Okay YOU see me after class.

--

No! I told you before! There will be no refunds given for this class!

Mikey

Mikey. Poooor, poor Mikey.

Unfortunately this gem has been off the internet for quite some time now but through the magic of website caching, this HTML eye-sore will be forever preserved. When it comes to webpages that make you want to cry for a myriad of reasons, few have ever reached the height that Mikey did.

Mikey was an eleven-year-old boy from New Mexico who had his junior high heart crushed by a girl. In his solemnness, he created the perfect rebound tool using his very own computer. This webpage drips of sadness and loneliness and if you listen to the sound file of him, it's even worse.

"Hello my future girlfriend. This is what I sound like. I am eleven years old, in the sixth grade, in New Mexico. Please PM me, if I'm on Yahoo! Chat. Bye, thanks for stopping by."

What girl wouldn't want to be serenaded by the prepubescent voice of her man talking to nobody in particular?

What is this... what is this feeling that is coming over me? Am I... am I feeling sorry for Mikey? Is this pitty? No... it's guilt. I feel ashamed that I am making fun of somebody who... who is so pathetic... and I'm making fun of him. Have I become the bully in the back of the bus?

I can't continue. I... I need to go lay down for a while.

Conscience... I hate you.

Tune in tomorrow when I make fun of PuppiesWithCancer.org!

Pageant Photo Retouching

Pageant Photo Retouching

Today's website was featured on SomethingAwful.com a while back, but deserves to be mentioned again. Allow me to introduce you to Alycia Collins. Alycia makes a living removing the soul from touching up photos of little beauty queens.

Alycia, you DO know that the airbrush tool in Photoshop has a flow setting, don't you?

Alycia has a unique way of getting the desired result. She will sand off the cornea of the child, repaint them with an airbrush, remove the child's skin with a potato peeler and re-graft the skin with Silly Putty, and surgically graft the inside out skin that was previously removed on to the lips of the child. What you have left over resembles a post-op burn victim.

Now, when I do these write-ups, I normally include a sample, then forge my own mock-up (Today will be no exception), however when I did insert my overly exaggerated version, it turned out to be not too different from the actual sample. For shame.

Stop airbrushing people to the point of absurdity, and if you must, then please learn Photoshop, and if you can't learn Photoshop, then stop charging $75 for a photograph that looks like a drunken Norman Rockwell painting.

Pageant Photo Retouching... I hate you.