That's right! Right onto a new domain and everything!
Go to http://www.ihateyourwebsite.net for all the latest updates! It's worth it!
Friday, January 16, 2009
I Hate Your Website has MOVED!
That's right! Right onto a new domain and everything!
Go to http://www.ihateyourwebsite.net for all the latest updates! It's worth it!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Yellow Pages: No ____ Found in ____
I don't have a link for this one because this is an internet fad whose origins are quite obvious. Some guy looking through the Yellow Pages website realizes that he can make the website say funny things.*No Women found in My Future
*No Pizza found in the Fridge
*No Poop found in my butt
Etc, etc, etc.
So, he takes a screenshot and posts it to a forum... eventually everybody smirks at it and they re-post it to other forums as if they were the first ones to think of it. To date, 18,492 people have thought of this idea in one form or another.
This fad was not too funny or clever to begin with, so it REALLY isn't funny now.
Come on guys! Go back to making your computer read dirty words with it's text-to-speech function. Just keep the volume down.
Jeff and Jim's Pizza
Jeff and Jim seem to make a darn good pizza, but not so much a darn good website.Jeff and Jim made the classic mistake of throwing a website together using cheap website software thinking that was their only choice.
Awful background that I can only imagine is supposed to be fire, but looks more like the battered hood of a red '76 Dodge Dart after crashing through the annual rotary belt sander conference. Repetitive images as backgrounds are no good.
Oh, and I know you are proud of your awards, but they are ugly. Un-ugly them or get them off the page.
There is no salvaging this site. It's over. So long. Thanks for all the fish.
In the off chance that Jeff or Jim read this, I am going to be helpful here. I know you are a small business and, believe me, I know that small businesses don't have a whole lot of resources for creating a website, but this is inexcusable. Let's look at what the other student's have made.
Clean, contemporary, and wont make your customers afraid of your company being a front for a child abduction ring.
"Oh, Right! MY tiny little pizza joint can have a website like THAT! PSSSSHHH! Riiiight!" I can almost hear the owners say. Open up the cash drawer, and take out a hundred bucks. Pay 58 bucks for this template and spend the rest on an HTML book. Don't have time to learn HTML? Then pay the 17-year-old geek next door a hundred bucks to modify and upload it for you. It will take him a couple of hours and you will have a website you can be proud of. Hundred too steep for you? Then google some free templates. There's lots of them.
Generating original HTML should be done by three types of people ONLY:
1. Experienced web designers
2. Students
3. People making joke pages
If you don't fall into at least one of these categories, then you should stick to lapping up the leavings of actual website designers.
Sorry Jeff and Jim's Pizza Website... I hate you.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Carnegie Mellon University Libraries Web Games
ACTION Librarian
Not since the library scene in Tomb Raider have books played such an action packed role in a video game. The fine people at the Carnegie Mellon University Library commissioned a game designer (Probably a student) to create two games to make the library system see more 'Fun'.
Luckily enough, this resulted in two games. Within Range and I'll Get It!
Within Range:
Thrill! as YOU, a heroic librarian assistant, put away an ENTIRE stack of books in the CORRECT ORDER on the shelf! It's like grand theft auto, except instead of shooting people in the head, you are filing and organizing. With each correct answer you get an enthusiastic "Yes!" and with each incorrect answer, you get a gameshow-style buzzer and a condescending "Lame".
I'll Get It!:
Not just a phrase you have to shout when you are expecting a phone call! I'll Get It is a game where YOU, a heroic research assistant, struggle to obey the demands of a super-impatient group of students who give you no clue as to what they want and patronize you when you get it wrong. Just like a real library, there are no penalties for delivering incorrect materials or even completely ignoring the public until they get irate and just leave.
This game not only a great way to waste seven minutes of your life, but when those seven minutes are up, you are officially a certified librarian. A well rounded resume for a librarian would include "Played 'I'll Get It' for fifteen minutes without ending my own life".
Adult Swim's Worst Game Ever held my attention longer.
CMU Library Online Games, I hate you.
Not since the library scene in Tomb Raider have books played such an action packed role in a video game. The fine people at the Carnegie Mellon University Library commissioned a game designer (Probably a student) to create two games to make the library system see more 'Fun'.
Luckily enough, this resulted in two games. Within Range and I'll Get It!
Within Range:
Thrill! as YOU, a heroic librarian assistant, put away an ENTIRE stack of books in the CORRECT ORDER on the shelf! It's like grand theft auto, except instead of shooting people in the head, you are filing and organizing. With each correct answer you get an enthusiastic "Yes!" and with each incorrect answer, you get a gameshow-style buzzer and a condescending "Lame".
I'll Get It!:
Not just a phrase you have to shout when you are expecting a phone call! I'll Get It is a game where YOU, a heroic research assistant, struggle to obey the demands of a super-impatient group of students who give you no clue as to what they want and patronize you when you get it wrong. Just like a real library, there are no penalties for delivering incorrect materials or even completely ignoring the public until they get irate and just leave.
This game not only a great way to waste seven minutes of your life, but when those seven minutes are up, you are officially a certified librarian. A well rounded resume for a librarian would include "Played 'I'll Get It' for fifteen minutes without ending my own life".
Adult Swim's Worst Game Ever held my attention longer.
CMU Library Online Games, I hate you.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Amos O. Olagunju
Prof. Olagunju: Teacher of Computer Networks and Application. Listen up class! Settle! Eyes up here people!
Today we will be discussing website design and programming. As you can see, from my website, I know all the HTMLs.
Last week we discussed awful color schemes and publishing enormous photos and scaling them down. This week, we will be talking about content.
The first thing you should know about website content is... RICKY! Pay Attention! ... is that you should always leave them guessing. What do I mean by this?
Anybody?
Yes, you in the back!
--
No, I don't mean coming up with new and original content every day. That would be impossible. See me after class. I mean you have to change your standards up on every page and never hint at WHAT they're clickin'!For example. On my website, you will see the navigation bar above the scrolling, dancing panda. Okay, the first link says "Scientific Disk. Prog"... Now click on it and BAM! Yellow background. Then I have the CNA169 link and you're all like 'WTF?' cuz you have no idea what that is until you CLICK ON IT! See people?
Then I have the "911 Makes Us to?" link. What is that? Who knows. So you click on it and BAM! Powerpoint document!
Okay! Now everybody scroll up to the links just under my picture, which should be finished loading by now. You will see the "My Faith" link. Go ahead and click on that. Everybody see it? Raise your hand if you see it.
1... 2... 3... only about half of you? That's because you are not using Internet Explorer. I made that a Microsoft file so only IE can open it. This is a good idea because Firefox users are all hackers. It's a security tool to keep the hackers out.
Yes? Question in the back?
--
Yes, everybody else uses Internet Explorer
--
Yes they do.
--
Okay YOU see me after class.
--
No! I told you before! There will be no refunds given for this class!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Mikey
Mikey.
Poooor, poor Mikey.
Unfortunately this gem has been off the internet for quite some time now but through the magic of website caching, this HTML eye-sore will be forever preserved. When it comes to webpages that make you want to cry for a myriad of reasons, few have ever reached the height that Mikey did.
Mikey was an eleven-year-old boy from New Mexico who had his junior high heart crushed by a girl. In his solemnness, he created the perfect rebound tool using his very own computer. This webpage drips of sadness and loneliness and if you listen to the sound file of him, it's even worse.
"Hello my future girlfriend. This is what I sound like. I am eleven years old, in the sixth grade, in New Mexico. Please PM me, if I'm on Yahoo! Chat. Bye, thanks for stopping by."
What girl wouldn't want to be serenaded by the prepubescent voice of her man talking to nobody in particular?
What is this... what is this feeling that is coming over me? Am I... am I feeling sorry for Mikey? Is this pitty? No... it's guilt. I feel ashamed that I am making fun of somebody who... who is so pathetic... and I'm making fun of him. Have I become the bully in the back of the bus?
I can't continue. I... I need to go lay down for a while.
Conscience... I hate you.
Tune in tomorrow when I make fun of PuppiesWithCancer.org!
Poooor, poor Mikey.Unfortunately this gem has been off the internet for quite some time now but through the magic of website caching, this HTML eye-sore will be forever preserved. When it comes to webpages that make you want to cry for a myriad of reasons, few have ever reached the height that Mikey did.
Mikey was an eleven-year-old boy from New Mexico who had his junior high heart crushed by a girl. In his solemnness, he created the perfect rebound tool using his very own computer. This webpage drips of sadness and loneliness and if you listen to the sound file of him, it's even worse.
"Hello my future girlfriend. This is what I sound like. I am eleven years old, in the sixth grade, in New Mexico. Please PM me, if I'm on Yahoo! Chat. Bye, thanks for stopping by."
What girl wouldn't want to be serenaded by the prepubescent voice of her man talking to nobody in particular?
What is this... what is this feeling that is coming over me? Am I... am I feeling sorry for Mikey? Is this pitty? No... it's guilt. I feel ashamed that I am making fun of somebody who... who is so pathetic... and I'm making fun of him. Have I become the bully in the back of the bus?I can't continue. I... I need to go lay down for a while.
Conscience... I hate you.
Tune in tomorrow when I make fun of PuppiesWithCancer.org!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Pageant Photo Retouching
Pageant Photo Retouching
Today's website was featured on SomethingAwful.com a while back, but deserves to be mentioned again. Allow me to introduce you to Alycia Collins. Alycia makes a livingremoving the soul from touching up photos of little beauty queens.
Alycia, you DO know that the airbrush tool in Photoshop has a flow setting, don't you?
Alycia has a unique way of getting the desired result. She will sand off the cornea of the child, repaint them with an airbrush, remove the child's skin with a potato peeler and re-graft the skin with Silly Putty, and surgically graft the inside out skin that was previously removed on to the lips of the child. What you have left over resembles a post-op burn victim.
Now, when I do these write-ups, I normally include a sample, then forge my own mock-up (Today will be no exception), however when I did insert my overly exaggerated version, it turned out to be not too different from the actual sample. For shame.
Stop airbrushing people to the point of absurdity, and if you must, then please learn Photoshop, and if you can't learn Photoshop, then stop charging $75 for a photograph that looks like a drunken Norman Rockwell painting.
Pageant Photo Retouching... I hate you.
Today's website was featured on SomethingAwful.com a while back, but deserves to be mentioned again. Allow me to introduce you to Alycia Collins. Alycia makes a living
Alycia, you DO know that the airbrush tool in Photoshop has a flow setting, don't you?
Alycia has a unique way of getting the desired result. She will sand off the cornea of the child, repaint them with an airbrush, remove the child's skin with a potato peeler and re-graft the skin with Silly Putty, and surgically graft the inside out skin that was previously removed on to the lips of the child. What you have left over resembles a post-op burn victim.
Now, when I do these write-ups, I normally include a sample, then forge my own mock-up (Today will be no exception), however when I did insert my overly exaggerated version, it turned out to be not too different from the actual sample. For shame.Stop airbrushing people to the point of absurdity, and if you must, then please learn Photoshop, and if you can't learn Photoshop, then stop charging $75 for a photograph that looks like a drunken Norman Rockwell painting.
Pageant Photo Retouching... I hate you.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Painted Trucks
Painted Truck Illusions
I do love optical illusions. However, there are quite a few "Optical Illusion" websites that show semi trucks that are painted to show a cool 3D effect. These pictures are circulating the internet and people are amazed at how good they look.
Am I the only one who realizes they are the exact same picture, only Photoshopped with an image inside? They don't even try to make it different. Same sky, same truck, same tree, same wall, same stretch of road. Now that the cat is somehow out of the bag, it stands to point out that these are not optical illusions at all. It's deleting a section of a photo and superimposing another. It's more like a Photoshop tutorial.
Somebody learns the perspective tool in Photoshop, and all of a sudden people start drooling over these amazing pictures. If you want to see something cool, check out some REAL examples of a REAL artist doing this for REAL
People driving behind the bus (Where 90% of the people who actually look at this thing will be) will see this:
Now, to pull this illusion off, we would need to discard of any valuable real estate that would normally have helpful pieces of information, such as Company name, phone number, or federally required safety placards. Commuters down I-75 would be subject to a skewed image if Billy Bush's already skewed head.
So, in spite of this, this truck keeps popping up all over the internet gussied up in all sorts of different 'paint jobs' to show the same effect. All I ask is that the perpetuaters of this internet craze to please, delete these pictures from the internet, burn your computers, and pay me restitution in the amount of $25,000 per occurrence.
-or-
Be a man and stop pretending that it's real.
And to use another picture of a truck, for crying out loud.
3D Truck Pictures... I hate you.
I do love optical illusions. However, there are quite a few "Optical Illusion" websites that show semi trucks that are painted to show a cool 3D effect. These pictures are circulating the internet and people are amazed at how good they look.
Am I the only one who realizes they are the exact same picture, only Photoshopped with an image inside? They don't even try to make it different. Same sky, same truck, same tree, same wall, same stretch of road. Now that the cat is somehow out of the bag, it stands to point out that these are not optical illusions at all. It's deleting a section of a photo and superimposing another. It's more like a Photoshop tutorial.
Somebody learns the perspective tool in Photoshop, and all of a sudden people start drooling over these amazing pictures. If you want to see something cool, check out some REAL examples of a REAL artist doing this for REALAlso, this would be an awful marketing campaign. Let's take my example of a truck carrying a gigantic Billy Bush.
People driving behind the bus (Where 90% of the people who actually look at this thing will be) will see this:
Now, to pull this illusion off, we would need to discard of any valuable real estate that would normally have helpful pieces of information, such as Company name, phone number, or federally required safety placards. Commuters down I-75 would be subject to a skewed image if Billy Bush's already skewed head.
So, in spite of this, this truck keeps popping up all over the internet gussied up in all sorts of different 'paint jobs' to show the same effect. All I ask is that the perpetuaters of this internet craze to please, delete these pictures from the internet, burn your computers, and pay me restitution in the amount of $25,000 per occurrence.
-or-
Be a man and stop pretending that it's real.
And to use another picture of a truck, for crying out loud.
3D Truck Pictures... I hate you.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Top 8 Hilariously Awful Web Sites
The Utah Mormon Baby Namer
Tired of those boring ol' names that DON'T separate your child from all of his classmates? Do you need a name for your child that in itself is a form of child abuse? Enter the Utah Mormon Baby Namer. This gem of a website supplies naming suggestions for your very own Mormon baby boy/girl. What boy wouldn't love to be named Slaughter, Tugdick, Seven, Dent, or Zippie. And any young woman would love to be named Zion Anakin, X Y Zella, ShayDee, or Pork Chop (All names taken from the Utah Baby Namer)?
The CAP Alert
Are you worried that the movie you are about to see will turn your child into a heathen? Overly sensitive parents rejoice. The CAP Alert website is here to save you! The CAP report is an online reference for movies and some TV shows and how damaging they would be to watch. From acceptable movies, such as Mary Poppins and... not much else, iffy movies such as Wall-E, downright dangerous views such as the Dilbert animated show and every movie that isn't rated G. There are also a few movies that are so vile, the reviewer was unable to complete the review. One such movie was Matilda. Also, for added convenience, every link you click on opens a new tab.
Haven Works
My Eyes! My beautiful eyes! I still don't have a clue what this website is all about. I can't look at this page for any longer than 15 seconds. I suggest you just take my word for it on this one.
PSI Counsel
What happens when the crazy old guy who lives in the fenced-in house at the end of the street buys a WYSIWYG web page program? PSI Counsel happens. From government conspiracies to aliens to a New World Order Checklist. He even has a very nice article on how to escape to an off-the-grid shelter in the event of a declaration of martial law.
MySpace
Let me explain. The website itself is not bad... it's what the users do with it. MySpace allows it's users to be creative, often resulting in the most ghastly abominations known to man. If there ever was any reinforcement to Apple's business model of locking down the user interface to prevent users from turning their hardware into an ugly, unstable pile of junk, MySpace is it.
Pontificate
Again, nothing to do with ideological differences, but design. This is a website dedicated to John Paul II and is hosted by the Vatican City. The entire website is fairly below-par, but this one particular section is a sin in itself. Each date on the image causes a dialogue box to pop up when you move the mouse over it. Mixed with graphics circa 1994, this site is nearly unusable.
Vampire Cats Club
Angelfire is probably the worst thing to happen to the internet. Ever. The Vampire Cats Club is probably the worst thing to ever happen to Angelfire. This template-based site is dedicated to cats with vampire-like features. Namely, sharp fangs and pointy ears. I don't think I would be the first to point out that EVERY cat has both of these traits, thus making the entire website pointless. But at least we got to see lots of animated GIFs, including one for the background image, and a blood-dripping separator bar.
Official Website for Buddy Love
Another Angelfire spawn, unfortunately. Buddy Love is a Pro Wrestler and will destroy anybody who gets in his way! His website is equally macho, implementing a "Bruised Face Fuchsia" background, his own name confetti-falling (representing all of his opponents who are 'going down!') and little hearts, which are a play on his last name. The hearts can also look like upside down butts, which are about to be kicked. Interesting fun fact: Did you know that Buddy Love wears a size 18 shoe? He will use it to kick your size 18 face.
It's a large internet out there. Submit your own awful websites in the comments section!
Strangefacts.com
Today's website was designed a blind 14-year-old with ADHD and a tentative grasp of markup languages. Caution: This website contains very pixelated .jpgs and repetitive and ugly backgrounds. Viewer discretion is advised.
On that note, I give you StrangeFacts.com.
You know those emails that you get from your Aunt Kathy with the subject "FW:Fw:FW:FW:fw:FW:It's True!!!!!!!" and you have to scroll through three years of email headers and notes from people you have never even heard of and references to people/events you don't know but feel very voyeuristic reading.
Hey, Jackie! I just got this from Stan (STAN!!!) and thought that you and everybody else on my address list would want to see this!
-Karen
These emails, once you find the actual content, contain lists of "Facts" that are only validated by the fact that they were written down by somebody. Why would they waste time writing them if they weren't true, right?
Did you know...
*Popsicles contain equal amounts of sugar and aluminum shavings
*The first man to use the letter M was Walt Disney
*Your heart beats 150 times a minute. This is faster than a car engine running at 4000rpm.
*If you dream about killing a person, they will dream about being killed
Well these emails have been harvested from other people's websites and email junk filters into the entirety of StrangeFacts.com. On a first look, StrangeFacts has all the aesthetic appeal of a 2nd grade art class display case, but if you take a closer look, your first impressions will be validated.
Upon arrival to the main page, I was suddenly confused as to what it was I was supposed to do. Where are the strange facts? I began bashing my keyboard against the wall in frustration, but then noticed the helpful message "To continue, click a button below". Whew! Disaster was averted. I clicked on "Strange Fears" because I wanted to make sure that I didn't have any of them. Oh joy! A new window popped up. This is very convenient for me because I do hate having to use the on-site navigation tools or, god forbid, the back button on my browser. No, I much rather having a new window pop up on every link I click. So, I cracked my knuckles in anticipation for some good "Strange Fears". I hunkered down in my chair, adjusted my monitor for optimum viewing, and got my hopes up. WHAT?!? Under construction! That's false advertising! I wanted to link to StrangeFacts.com so you all could see what I was talking about, however when I clicked on the link to do so, that part was also under construction. HOW WILL I LINK TO HIS PAGE NOW?!? In fact, many of his pages are "Under Construction".
On a positive note, StrangeFacts.com does provide quite a public service. Every few lines is a black bar with a reminder to breathe. This was very useful because I was starting to asphyxiate as I was so enthralled with the facts that my brain began to cease involuntary functions.
*Did you know that 15,000 people die annually because of asphyxiation due to interesting reading material?
So why does this page exist? What could the motivation be? There are no ads and you can't buy a shirt with "Did you know that, in Africa, the sun rises and sets 3 times a day?" written on it.
The answer is, promotion. That's right, if you look at the bottom of the page, this website was designed and maintained by Bram Hernick Media Inc. This very real company is very real and very established. They are incorporated (As the name suggests) and they have a sign and everything. That's right, this guy is selling his 'Hypertext Markup Language' and 'MSPaint' skills to the highest bidder. I was just about to contact them so I can have a bite of the Bram Hernick pie, but their Contact Us page was under construction. Five years is just not enough time to post a phone number to a web page.
From BHMedia.com:
"Our designers take the time to discus your needs, and goals for your web site."
I hate it when people take a freshman HTML course and think that entitles them to start a web design company. Strangefacts.com, I hate you.
Kids! Post your OWN strange facts in the comments section!
On that note, I give you StrangeFacts.com.
You know those emails that you get from your Aunt Kathy with the subject "FW:Fw:FW:FW:fw:FW:It's True!!!!!!!" and you have to scroll through three years of email headers and notes from people you have never even heard of and references to people/events you don't know but feel very voyeuristic reading.
Hey, Jackie! I just got this from Stan (STAN!!!) and thought that you and everybody else on my address list would want to see this!
-Karen
These emails, once you find the actual content, contain lists of "Facts" that are only validated by the fact that they were written down by somebody. Why would they waste time writing them if they weren't true, right?
Did you know...
*Popsicles contain equal amounts of sugar and aluminum shavings
*The first man to use the letter M was Walt Disney
*Your heart beats 150 times a minute. This is faster than a car engine running at 4000rpm.
*If you dream about killing a person, they will dream about being killed
Well these emails have been harvested from other people's websites and email junk filters into the entirety of StrangeFacts.com. On a first look, StrangeFacts has all the aesthetic appeal of a 2nd grade art class display case, but if you take a closer look, your first impressions will be validated.
Upon arrival to the main page, I was suddenly confused as to what it was I was supposed to do. Where are the strange facts? I began bashing my keyboard against the wall in frustration, but then noticed the helpful message "To continue, click a button below". Whew! Disaster was averted. I clicked on "Strange Fears" because I wanted to make sure that I didn't have any of them. Oh joy! A new window popped up. This is very convenient for me because I do hate having to use the on-site navigation tools or, god forbid, the back button on my browser. No, I much rather having a new window pop up on every link I click. So, I cracked my knuckles in anticipation for some good "Strange Fears". I hunkered down in my chair, adjusted my monitor for optimum viewing, and got my hopes up. WHAT?!? Under construction! That's false advertising! I wanted to link to StrangeFacts.com so you all could see what I was talking about, however when I clicked on the link to do so, that part was also under construction. HOW WILL I LINK TO HIS PAGE NOW?!? In fact, many of his pages are "Under Construction".
On a positive note, StrangeFacts.com does provide quite a public service. Every few lines is a black bar with a reminder to breathe. This was very useful because I was starting to asphyxiate as I was so enthralled with the facts that my brain began to cease involuntary functions.
*Did you know that 15,000 people die annually because of asphyxiation due to interesting reading material?
So why does this page exist? What could the motivation be? There are no ads and you can't buy a shirt with "Did you know that, in Africa, the sun rises and sets 3 times a day?" written on it.
The answer is, promotion. That's right, if you look at the bottom of the page, this website was designed and maintained by Bram Hernick Media Inc. This very real company is very real and very established. They are incorporated (As the name suggests) and they have a sign and everything. That's right, this guy is selling his 'Hypertext Markup Language' and 'MSPaint' skills to the highest bidder. I was just about to contact them so I can have a bite of the Bram Hernick pie, but their Contact Us page was under construction. Five years is just not enough time to post a phone number to a web page.From BHMedia.com:
"Our designers take the time to discus your needs, and goals for your web site."
I hate it when people take a freshman HTML course and think that entitles them to start a web design company. Strangefacts.com, I hate you.
Kids! Post your OWN strange facts in the comments section!
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